Here's my story. It's long. I am still learning to claim my story without shame. Some days are better than others. It's a process, but it's totally worth the struggle. Things do get better. They really do. That's why I made this site. Because you have an inner light and that light is a reason to hope. Thanks for reading. Ok here we go.
Yes. I am a marijuana addict. A recovering disordered eater.
I started smoking weed frequently years ago in high-school to help manage my anxiety. A large part of my anxiety came from my high school wrestling, and my parents' high standards.
With wrestling, I was peer pressured into losing weight for the weekend tournament. After the tournament I'd be starving, exhausted and so ... of course, I developed a bad binge eating habit. And social media wasn't even a thing back then. Nor was I a woman.
Smoking weed and binge eating became my secret way to unwind after a stressful weekend. A big, wonderful inhale of food and smoke. The weed made the bloated feeling not so bad too. The guilt wasn't as bad either, I found, if I was high. Weed and food became my means of coping. A way of coping with the rage I felt deep down... This went on for years. And no one knew.
No one knew, in part, because my parents were almost totally disconnected to my inner feelings and emotions. My parents taught me how to think, to organize, to plan, to WORK HARD ... But to feel? To connect? To love? These were foreign concepts. I had what I called a 'hole' in my heart. An emptiness. Something was just different about me. I was just off. Deep down, I was broken. And I hated that. I hated that about myself.
Fast forward 4 years. I'm graduating college a quarter early but decide to skip graduation. This was a huge blow to my parents. All my life I had been trained like a goddamn machine to get good grades. My parents were soooo looking forward to my graduation. not picking up on signals that for the past 4+ years I was exhibiting signs of depression.
I was sick of life. I was 122 lbs, anemic, and hated myself. Every inch of myself. I felt that my body was loathsome. My mind was not my friend.
But I had one thing going for me. I was able to make friends with a blind zen monk in college. Every weekend I would go over to his house and help him out with chores because he couldn't see. He'd teach me about yoga, meditation and crazy paradoxical zen concepts in return.
With his encouragement, I skipped college graduation, and in act of desperation and hope-in-something, I signed on to become a Zen monk.
For 13 months, I lived in the Tassajara zen monastery off the coast of California. For 13 months I healed.
You can say the rest is history. The binge eating actually stopped pretty quickly, within 1 year. Hasn't been a problem since. The weed addiction took a lot longer. Even to this day I feel pulls, urges, cravings ... to disconnect, to escape. But I've transformed. Yes, occassionally I do smoke weed but it's something I am at peace with and that's not a problem for me any longer.
I have friends now. I love myself. I gained 40 lbs and am my natural weight. I sleep well. I have a life purpose that I'm actually pursuing. I've done the years of emotional labor that this process requires and now stand here today with my little baby, Eating Enlightenment.
My personal transformation inspired me to go back to school again. I got my Masters in the Art of Counseling from Santa Clara University. Various certifications in yoga, wellness coaching, and intuitive eating followed suit.
You can say I really 'found my life purpose' once I actually started helping people with similar food and emotional struggles recover and feel better about themselves.
And so we are reaching the end of my story and I have a simple request for you.
I like for you to consider signing up for my email list.
I know taking steps like this can be scary. You hear my promising story and get your hopes up but then your life doesn't change.
The reason I'm asking you to sign up is because this isn't a one time fix. There's not a quick path to recovery and freedom, but there is a path that I'd like to share with you if you're open to listen.
By signing up you can more tangibly connect with me. Perhaps I can be a sort of Zen Buddhist counselor/coach for you, similar to the blink zen monk mentor I had back in college. You can also become a part of this spiritual eating community I've been growing for the past 1.5 years.
I think that together we might be able to do some pretty cool things together. Wake up binge free? Feel at peace in social situations around food? Have the inner fortitude to shake off cravings? Understand yourself better?
Hell at the very least your trying something different by signing up. Your trying something new. Insanity is repeating the past over and over again right? Like waking up and saying (or praying) you won't binge again? Sound familiar?
Don't get caught in those endless ruminating loops of self hatred while you lay down, your belly so bloated and painful you can barely move!
Oh, I also made a simple online course that outlines 5 eating principles which you'll get access to once when you sign up.
Try this email list out 🙂 Be curious. Be open-minded. Being curious and open-minded qualities are qualities that I'd like for you to start cultivating within yourself right now.
Because what if things could be different?
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